Finding The Words Monday, Jan 19 2009 

I have had a hard time finding my words this week. It’s pretty rare for me and a week of bottled up roller-coaster emotions has bought me insomnia coupled with nightmares every evening.

So, however inelegant, incomprehensible or incoherent here come the words.

Dr. B was nice. I am very wary now of all RE’s so a nice is all he gets. His office runs very efficiently and professionally. All good in my book. He is competent and I never heard anything that would raise a red flag or concern me. All good again.

As far as S in concerned he suggests moving straight to IVF. We do not entirely disagree but would like to see how she responds to a cycle that is properly medicated/managed. We cannot afford IVF and are trying to use me so the whole thing is moot, for now.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a lost cause, just a tricky, risky, expensive one. Nothing I didn’t already know. Still, so hard to hear. I have PCOS and a clotting factor. Together this means I will need ovulation induction and anti-coagulation therapy, Heparin injections 2x daily from stims through postpartum. My miscarriage risk is huge, a percentage that whenever mentioned makes S’s eyes go wide. I will probably need a hematologist as well. I have no desire to shoot myself full of anti-coagulants for months on end without a second opinion and extra monitoring.

When I do cycle it will look something like this:

1. Consult with hematologist to confirm diagnoses/treatment

2.Prometrium to force AF

3.CD3 FSH and Estradiol

4.HSG-really really don’t want to do this but will, probably

5.Clomid 100mg

6.Heparin injections 2x daily

7.U/S to monitor follies

8.HcG trigger

9.Back to back IUI’s

10.Progesterone during TWW

It kind of makes me ill to see it. It’s not impossible but it feels like I am staring straight up at Everest. How the hell will I ever get to the top?

Almost all of this is an out of pocket expense so we will not be starting in February as I hoped. No 2009 baby for us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. All because of money. I am bitter, really bitter. I will have a turn, I know I will. I just don’t know when and that really hurts and scares me. 

In other news, we are moving a brisk pace towards getting licensed as foster parents. Our mounds of paperwork are all filled out, we have attended more classes and are starting to child-proof the house. We just need a crib and a carseat now. After that we can schedule our home visit. EEK!

We were very honored this week to have received a surprise gift from a fellow blogger and her wife.  I am not sure if they want to be named, but we are so grateful for the beautiful card and gift certificate. Thank you again!

Buoyed by their support we made our first big foster baby purchase, a travel system along with some clothes and bottles! It was surreal to be standing there practicing collapsing the stroller and arguing over bottles. It was exciting but really bittersweet too. Does that make sense?

When we were at home hanging tiny clothes on ting hangers the reality of it all hit me. Whoever wears this little out fit is not my child. There will be no first day of school, prom or going off to college. No ultrasounds,  no showers with those perfect little sandwiches, no congratulatory cards, no eager visitors. Not. Our. Baby.

We will love these children with all we have but there is a sadness that I don’t think will ever leave us. There is also guilt. I feel like, in a way, we are giving up on our biological babies. We are buying cribs and clothes for other people’s children and not moving forward with trying to conceive our own. But there is a big difference betwen a crib and thousands of dollars in treatments/meds/monitoring and sperm. Crib, doable? The other? Not so much.

I feel like the dream is slipping further and further away from me. But, there is nothing else we can do right now. Our hands are tied at the moment. It sucks and it makes me really angry but I still feel sure that doing this will be good for us. These children already exist and right now, at this very second, they are being neglected, abused and hurt. We have the chance to fix that, to heal them, how can we not?

It’s been a strange week of ups and downs. I expect these kinds of feelings will continue for some time. I hope that doesn’t make me sound awful or selfish.

I honestly do think that we will be better people, better spouses and when our time comes, better parents because we have walked this path.

All will be well…. one day.

I Think It’s Over Friday, Aug 1 2008 

I am pretty sure it’s over. S had a lot of pink, almost red, spotting this afternoon. It’s freaking CD24, on Prometrium. WTF?? I am beyond sick.

She called Dr. M who said the following:

I know H is extremely disappointed in how this cycle has gone. I think she has lost faith in the process and in me. (S stayed silent to confirm) Hey, congrats Dr. M, you have won the understatement of the year award. Enjoy. Oh, and bonus points for implying my lack of faith contributed to this disaster.

It’s possible your progesterone is low.I have been telling you this for months asshat, why haven’t you been testing her like I asked you too?

No, a beta isn’t necessary. If a + doesn’t register on a HPT it isn’t a viable pregnancy. test tonight.UM, bullshit. How many low beta stories have we all heard? You just don’t want to deal with a  c/p.

We could move to IVF, but I was hoping to avoid that. Yeah, us too Mr. S should have no problem getting pregnant, let her go first.

We can always try with H. As if I would let you anywhere near my body.

We can try again with injectables. I will be very aggressive and even ask my nurses to put away some meds for you. I appreciate the thought but I was pretty sure we told you that this was our last shot for a loooong time. Why didn’t you do your best this time?

 I am just sitting here crying and waiting for S to come home. I am just not sure this is going to happen for us. I feel like we have had the worst care by Dr. M and that I was bullied into believing it would be easier if S went first. Every month we fail breaks her heart. She is convinced there is something wrong with her. It hurts me to see her like that.

I am so angry. I want to scream and throw things but I don’t have the energy. I should talk it out but no one knows IRL. I feel totally alone.  I’ll just sit and cry and pray for a miracle. I don’t know what else to do.

I Walk the Line Sunday, Jul 27 2008 

I have become a tightrope walker this past week. I am carefully walking the thin line between being realistic and positive. I didn’t think it would be so hard. I was doing so well, until I saw the tears.

I found S crying last night. What if it didn’t work was all she said. I started to say of course it worked but she cut me off. You always say that. OUCH. It’s true though. I always say it worked. I guess I think the more I say it the more it will be true. I climbed up on the tightrope and began to walk.

Somehow I managed to be positive and encouraging without promising anything. Somehow I tempered the excitement of a host of symptoms with the reality that meds do have side effects. I think I did okay. I managed to stay up until the tears stopped.

S has managed to rack up quite an impressive list of symptoms; hot flashes, extremely swollen, tender and painful breasts, bloating, headaches, cramping, back pain, sensitivity to smells, weird cravings for ice cream at all hours, constant urination…. it all looks good on paper, doesn’t it?

I want to jump for joy at every cramp and tight fitting article of clothing. I want to smile knowingly at the request for ice cream in bed at 10:00 this morning. I haven’t though. I know that all of those things can also be attributed to Follistim, hCG triggers and Prometrium. It’s really evil. Side effects should be banned.

There is part of me that is dying to know what is going on in there. I have always been a knowledge is power kind of girl. It is 9dpo on the left side and 8dpo for the  right. We are 10dp trigger. Testing is a lifetime away, it seems. That might be a good thing.

The other part of me wants to stay blissfully unaware. I can daydream ’till my heart is content without the cold, harsh reality of another stark white test intruding. I can imagine that S has our dream, our miracle, growing inside of her.

 I want more time to dream, wish and hope. I want to imagine the two pink lines and the digital shouting pregnant. I want to picture S growing bigger every month. I want to imagine the birth and how it will feel to hold our child for the first time. I want to dream the perfect dream awhile longer.

For the first time in my life I believe that a little ignorance is bliss.

And Now We Wait Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Well, it’s done. We got our back to back IUI’s and thank heavens because S had ovulated from one side between yesterday and today. We had much better numbers from the new bank. Iam so glad we found them!

Dr. M knew we were still upset and made it his business to be extra nice. He said it’s not over yet and not to stress out. He said his fingers were crossed for us. They had better be mister. He tried to make nice and I appreciate that he acknowledged how disappointed we were with his care.

What shocked me the most was that S, who is normally super pessimist to my absurd optimism, said she had a good feeling this time and was strangely calm on the way home. G-d I hope she is right.

Let the pineapple,  prometrium and POM juice begin!

Happy Friday, have a great weekend!