Shaking In My Boots! Monday, Jan 12 2009 

In a few short hours I will be face to face with Dr. B. I am scared and worried. ( Total understatement. I am petrified. )

The Dr. M nightmare replays in my mind and I see stark white test after stark white test. A sort of financial ticker clicks away in my head, how much did we spend last year?  Good G-d!

I don’t want to be a lost cause but I also don’t want  to be a great candidate and not be able to afford to try. Huh, big shock, I want it all!

I am literally sick to my stomach but I won’t cancel. I know it’s time for me to gather my courage, put the past behind me and hop into some stirrups.

I will be brave.

I will have faith.

I will find a way to do this.

I will have hope.

I will do all of these things just as soon as the nausea passes.

“Courage is when you’re afraid but you keep on moving anyway. Courage is when you’re in pain but you keep on living anyway.” The Strange Familiar

Decision#1-Done Wednesday, Nov 19 2008 

A very wise woman ( K from sent me a very important quote the other day. Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”

The answer, until now, has always been a big, fat no. I have always been a planner, what is the next step? How can we move forward? Change this? Fix that? In the trenches of TTC it’s easy to plan the next step; new drugs, new donors, new doctors, new cycles. I could plan out a whole year in twenty minutes if I needed to.

But now, now we are in a strange place. There is uncertainty about jobs, finances, doctors, treatments etc. Everything is connected and so without the answer or solution to one problem we cannot begin work on the second one, let alone the third. To me, this is hell on Earth. No plan? Nothing written down, penciled in, decided?

And then the quote arrived.

Sometimes the plan is to not have a plan. Put down the charts, checkbooks, donor catalogues and RE listings. Let go for just a little bit and discover what becomes clear.

 It’s like a giant traffic jam, you can’t move until things clear up on their own. So, for now we will wait and trust that the solution will show up just as it should, right when it should. It will be tough but I have faith.

Because this whole letting go thing is new and very difficult for me I felt we needed to decide at least one thing for now. A starting point. Something to keep me going while we wait.

When the mud settles and we have our options back, we have decided that I will be the one TTC this time. S does not want to try now, probably not for awhile. She says never again but I think that is mostly the sadness and frustration talking. I know she needs time to process all that has happened this past year. I wanted so much for it to work for her. Not just so we could have a baby, but because I knew how much it would transform and lift her up. I reassured her that I would never forget all she went through for us, that it would be her time again soon. In some ways I think she is relieved to pass the torch to me for a bit, but I know there great sadness too.

I am excited to see what is coming next, to have a chance to create our family. I will do my best to temper my excitement out of respect for my wife though. I know it will hard for her.

I will go back to taking my prenatals religiously, I will take better care of myself and I will wait, very patiently, to see what he crystal clear waters reveal.

The Cryobank Shuffle Thursday, Nov 13 2008 

For those of you keeping track, we have racked up four different donors and two different cryobanks. 

I live very close the one of the biggest and most popular cryobanks around. However, we have had nothing but awful numbers from them. We tried another one of the “famous” cryobanks the last two times with a much better result. The problem is, they are insanely expensive and when you add cross-country shipping to your order OUCH! Plus, our current donors fee went up by over a hundred dollars a vial. Double ouch!

Out of sheer desperation I searched the country for new cryobanks last night. Thank you G.o.o>g.le! Searching for new donors gave me a sense of purpose for an hour or two. It was like an anchor for my ever drifting hope.

I figured in all of America there had to be a good cryobank with decent numbers and reasonable shipping rates. ( Um, I can hear you laughing ) Well, I think I may have found one. Unfortunately, I have never heard of them before. I never name drop but I need some feedback. Has anyone every used or heard of

Is there a cryobank that you know and love and wouldn’t mind suggesting?

Worst case scenario, we stay with uber expensive shipping cryobank and just suck it up. At least we know they have decent post thaw numbers.

((Insert giant, loud sigh here))

S says that because we have struggled so much with her, that when it’s my turn, it will probably happen one, two, three. She had better be right.

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown

Here We Go Monday, Aug 25 2008 

CD1 is upon us, and a week early to boot. Oy.

S has decided to stay with Dr. M this cycle. It’s her body so her choice. It really does say something that the mere thought of walking into his office fills me with dread, yes?

I am trying very hard to start off this cycle with good thoughts and positivity, even a bit of trust in Dr. M. I am just kind of tired. I feel drained and worry creeps into everything I do. The finish line seems so far away. I know it does for S too. She is not looking forward to this again. I can’t really blame her. Last cycle was heartbreaking every step of the way.

I will gather my strength and courage, enough for the both of us, and do my best to get us there.

Here we go again. Cycle 7 lucky 7?

“…It’s not how many times you’ve been knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up. Courage is when you’ve lost your way but you found your strength anyway.” The Strange Familiar

Houston, We Have a Problem Tuesday, Jul 29 2008 

We were having such a lovely night and then, BAM! Pink on  S’s tp. WTF? How can this be? It was awful to see S’s eyes well up.

AF isn’t due for a full week and I thought it was too late for implantation bleeding but Google, disagrees. S left a message for on-call guy but he has yet to call back. I guess panicky lesbians do not count as a true emergency.

Could it be low progesterone? A true implantation bleed? Really early AF? We are going to try to get her in for bloodwork tomorrow, just to check her P4. Dr. On-call had better call back. Iam so over that fucking clinic I could scream!

 This sucks so badly I cannot even tell you. I kind of want to throw up and I feel the tears coming.

This cycle cannot be over, it just can’t. S looked so scared and sad.

Please, please, please….

I am realistic – I expect miracles-Wayne Dyer

Today is the Big Day Thursday, Jul 17 2008 

IUI #5, here we come!

I managed to do the trigger shot and I have tracked the fish countless times. We should be right on track for our late afternoon appt. I am trying so hard to be positive and hopeful. Nothing can go wrong today, it just can’t. I am praying with all my heart that he didn’t miss ovulation, again and that this this is our lucky cycle.

Thank you all so much for your kindness, wonderful advice, prayers and well-wishes. Each one has made this excruciating cycle a little bit easier to stomach.

“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.” Barbara De Angelis

This is a Nightmare Wednesday, Jul 16 2008 

I have finally managed to stop crying. If that doesn’t tell you how well our appt went today I don’t know what will.

Remember how Dr. M said he was trying to get us 4-8 follies and then changed to 4-6? Remember how we had 4 lovely follies gearing up for greatness on Saturday? Remember how he REFUSED to increase the meds? I sure do.

Today S’s lining was great, a promising start. He even seemed to be agreeable to b2b IUI’s. But then, it got kind of quiet. I started looking closer at the screen. We had lost a follie on the right. He was stammering and stuttering bs about it not being a “good egg” and how it was good that we lost it. I had had it. No, it is not good, we just spent thosuands of dollars to get what thirty dollars got us 5 months ago! He was taken aback but tried to cover by commenting on how the Clomid thinned her lining. Yeah, because you gave her Estrace too late to save it. He really didn’t have much to say, shocker.

He announced we will trigger tomorrow with and IUI on Thursday. Um, small problem asshole. You told us to have the sperm to you by Friday/Saturday, it won’t even arrive until noon on Thursday. At this point S and I were just staring at each other in total despair. He though he would be helpful and mention that he didn’t think she would ovulate early so Friday would be fine too. Yeah, you didn’t think that the last few times either.

He tried to make things better by spouting off facts and figures about better egg quality on injectables and if we got pregnant it would all be worth it. I yelled that is was a pretty big if! He tried so hard to talk me down but I refused to be soothed…. nothing he said mattered to me.

I finally asked if all the follies would be at least 16 before trigger. I told him we refused to trigger with anything less. He said one would be 20 and one at least 16. Umm…what about the third one? Well, it probably won’t be mature by trigger so really, we have two follies. At that point I burst into tears. I was so angry I thought I might actually slap him. S was crying, trying to calm me down while covering herself up. He finally said to get dressed and he would write down the schdule for the next few days.

The minute he left I started retching. I actually fell to my knees sobbing. I couldn’t belive we had spent all this money, energy and subjected S to nightly needles for two fucking follies. We both cried, me still on the floor, as she dressed and then cried all the way into an office so someone could show me how to stab my wife with that huge needle tomorrow night. Guess who? The 8 months pregnant nurse, that’s who. I cried even harder. I could hardly see what she was doing. It hurt so bad, still does.

As we set the appt for our IUI he came up and patted me on the shoulder and told me not to stress out about this. I glared at him while S had tears running down her face. He turned and said, if you mange to get the sperm here on Thursday, I’ll go ahead and accommodate you any way I can. I mumbled fuck you.

We are devastated beyond belief. I have to manage the trigger shot, I am so scared of doing that to her, pray that the sperm arrives on time, pray that she doesn’t ovulate early and that by some small miracle, this works.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t fathom going on after this mess. He has really ruined us; financially, spiritually and emotionally. I don’t think we will ever hold our baby. The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a Mommy.

What the hell do we do now?

“The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die.” Edward Kennedy

Terrified Tuesday, Jul 15 2008 

I have never been scared during a cycle. Anxious, excited, hopeful,nervous sure, never scared. There is a lump of fear stuck between my throat and stomach. Nothing can move it. I am utterly terrified.

S is a wreck. She is appeared crying and trembling at my side an hour ago. This really is our last shot for who knows how long. We have bled ourselves dry for this cycle. We just dropped a thousand dollars on sperm… a thousand dollars we could hardly part with. We did it though, hearts in our throat we ordered from the new bank. Poor S will subject herself to another vag cam viewing tomorrow and together we will subject ourselves to the much  disliked Dr. M.

If someone asked why we do all this, I would say for love. For the love of a child not yet conceived and because we have so much of it to give.

Pardon the TMI, but I think I might throw up. My mind plays on a loop all the F-ups of dear Dr.M the past 6 months. What if what if what if what if???????? I cannot stop the what ifs. I can’t sleep, I am actually ill.

I am trying so hard to cover every base this cycle it’s absurd. Injectables, trigger, monitoring, green tea until ovulation, aspirin, POM juice, pineapple after IUI, warm feet in the TWW, red warming foods, eggs,prayer, positive thinking,visualization, new bank and sperm and finally, a picture of a Native American fertility charm taped above our bed.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Please bring us some wonderful news and a cooperative, understanding Dr. M tomorrow. Please bring us our miracle. PLEASE.

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”