Protected: The Story Monday, Dec 29 2008 

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements

Ants In The Pants Thursday, Dec 11 2008 

I am antsy. Not just at this second, all the time.  I feel anxious and jittery. The clock is ticking at a sickening speed.

I am strolling along in the fast lane, everyone is passing me by. 

I am supposed to be patient, waiting for the waters to clear. I am supposed to be working on getting the PCOS under control. I am supposed to be blissful, knowing my time is coming soon.

I am neither blissful or in control of anything, especially the hateful PCOS. I am upset, terrified that it will never be my turn. I feel as though I am getting left behind. The fear has rendered me totally useless.

It’s not fair. Oh, I know I sound like a spoiled, whiny brat. Maybe I am. But I don’t care right now. I am ANGRY.  If I thought throwing a  full-on kicking and screaming tantrum would help, I would get down on the floor right this second.

We poured 100% of our love, support and finances into all of S’s tries and it feels like there is nothing left for me. 

Why in hell is there never anything left for me?

I Like A Good Theme Tuesday, Dec 2 2008 

I am consistent, you gotta give me that.

In keeping with this year’s theme, craptacular, I decided to tempt the fates. I announced with bravery, “Go ahead, bring it on. You have a few weeks left to screw with me. After December 31, 2008, though, hands-off.”

I guess someone was listening a little too well that day. If there are any men reading, or anyone squeamish, run, run far far away from this post. It’s filled with TMI grossness.

Here are the important pieces of info; I have PCOS. I went from not having a period at all to having never ending periods ( like3- 4 weeks at a time ) that alternate between spotting for days on end to heavy bleeding/clotting. The bleeding is worse when I am stressed out/upset. My family is dysfunctional. Do you see where this is going?

The days before Thanksgiving I baked my heart out. I made dozens of bite-sized pies, 4 different kinds. I made cornbread, homemade ice cream and whipped cream. I couldn’t wait for my favorite holiday.

We went to my MIL’s house first. We had a mellow and nice time. My usual bleeding had lessened to almost nothing and I was feeling pretty good.

We went to my family dinner next. I usually enjoy the holidays with them, despite the craziness. However, the last two holidays were not so much fun because a certain relative had declared open season on me, why I will never know. I was determined though to smile pretty the whole night. Here is what happened instead.

We arrive and get nasty looks from said relative, relative says something nasty to S, relative rolls eyes at place cards, dessert and everything I say. Relative interrupts every conversation I am having with others. Relative starts to yell at me 5 minutes before sitting down to dinner. Relative keeps yelling. I finally lose it and yell back, loud. Relative gets louder. No one tries to stop the fight. I storm out, relative follows, still yelling. I sit in the guest bathroom trying to calm down. S comes up to sit with me. We discuss leaving. I am sure my mom, or her mom, will come and smooth things over or check on us. They don’t. We take our desserts and leave, not saying goodbye. I am heartbroken that my own mother doesn’t care enough to see if I am okay.

I start to cry in the car, mini pies go flying. Chocolate cream is everywhere, dashboard, shoes, purse, air vents, windows. I cry even harder. We find a do-it-yourself carwash and spend and hour, in the cold, scrubbing the seats, windows, purses etc. We find a coffee shop and finally eat dinner.

We decide to nap for two hours and hit the Black Friday sales to cheer ourselves up. I am bleeding again. We shop for a bit and at our last store I feel a huge warm gush. I am bleeding badly. We go home and see I have bled through all of my clothes. I lay down because I feel faint. I continue to bleed all night but not as badly. My back feels like it’s on fire. I cry knowing that I will never have a baby if my cycles stay this out of control. My mom calls to say hi, she apologizes and says she didn’t know what to do so she didn’t come up. I don’t believe her but accept her apology.

Saturday the bleeding calms down but I still feel a bit woozy. Saturday night I start to bleed again, this time with huge clots. Sunday is worse but I am determined to keep our dinner plans. I build a wall of Kotex and pray for the best. With every step I can feel clots falling out of me and I feel very tired. S is worried but I insist we finish dinner. The meal energized me and I assured her we could walk around and window shop.

We get up to go to the bathroom and it feels like my insides have fallen out. I start to shake. I have bled through the wall of Kotex, and my jeans. There was a lot of blood, more than I have ever seen. I keep insisting to S that I am fine while madly scrubbing the stains out of my jeans. I realize I am still bleeding into the toilet. I am having a hard time breathing. I force myself to stop shaking. I feel like I am cleaned up enough to come out but when I try to stand up blood begins to pour onto the floor. S is terrified. I am mortified and start to whimper. I don’t want anyone to see. The room starts to spin, I can’t feel my hands, things start to go black. My pride takes over and somehow I manage to clean up the blood.

S says we are going to the hospital. I refuse, worried about money. She threatenes to call my mom. She doesn’t though. She takes me home, our plans ruined. I cry again, sure I will never have a baby and scared something is really wrong. She helps me change clothes and makes me sit down. I remember nothing but waking up two hours later, having bled through my second set of clothes. I refuse the hospital again but secretly wish I was there.

The whole night goes on like this. I bleed through 3 more sets of clothes, the old duvet and towel I was sitting on.  I was so thirsty, I couldn’t stop drinking water. It was hard to talk and walking was out. Every movement brought another gush of blood.  I reassure S I am not dying but wonder if I am. I finally fall asleep while a worried S keeps watch.

Monday brings a lot less blood and almost no clotting. I insist she go to work, that I am fine. She calls every hour. I feel tired, but better.

Today, so far, no blood at all. Thank G-D!

No more family holidays for me. I can’t go through that again.

I am really, really over 2008.

Decision#1-Done Wednesday, Nov 19 2008 

A very wise woman ( K from http://romancingthestork.blogspot.com) sent me a very important quote the other day. Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”

The answer, until now, has always been a big, fat no. I have always been a planner, what is the next step? How can we move forward? Change this? Fix that? In the trenches of TTC it’s easy to plan the next step; new drugs, new donors, new doctors, new cycles. I could plan out a whole year in twenty minutes if I needed to.

But now, now we are in a strange place. There is uncertainty about jobs, finances, doctors, treatments etc. Everything is connected and so without the answer or solution to one problem we cannot begin work on the second one, let alone the third. To me, this is hell on Earth. No plan? Nothing written down, penciled in, decided?

And then the quote arrived.

Sometimes the plan is to not have a plan. Put down the charts, checkbooks, donor catalogues and RE listings. Let go for just a little bit and discover what becomes clear.

 It’s like a giant traffic jam, you can’t move until things clear up on their own. So, for now we will wait and trust that the solution will show up just as it should, right when it should. It will be tough but I have faith.

Because this whole letting go thing is new and very difficult for me I felt we needed to decide at least one thing for now. A starting point. Something to keep me going while we wait.

When the mud settles and we have our options back, we have decided that I will be the one TTC this time. S does not want to try now, probably not for awhile. She says never again but I think that is mostly the sadness and frustration talking. I know she needs time to process all that has happened this past year. I wanted so much for it to work for her. Not just so we could have a baby, but because I knew how much it would transform and lift her up. I reassured her that I would never forget all she went through for us, that it would be her time again soon. In some ways I think she is relieved to pass the torch to me for a bit, but I know there great sadness too.

I am excited to see what is coming next, to have a chance to create our family. I will do my best to temper my excitement out of respect for my wife though. I know it will hard for her.

I will go back to taking my prenatals religiously, I will take better care of myself and I will wait, very patiently, to see what he crystal clear waters reveal.

Is No News Good News? (UPDATED) Monday, Nov 17 2008 

S’s meeting was called for 10:30, it’s coming up on 11:30 now.

If she was getting laid-off how long could that take? 90 seconds or so? “Thanks for coming to see us today. Unfortunately, we have mismanaged our money and lost all of our important contacts and therefore clients. We have run our company into the ground and can no longer afford to pay you. Happy Thanksgiving.”

No matter the news, I am dying for an update. The sooner we know what is happening, the sooner we can set to work getting things back in order.

***UPDATED***

S still has a job. Thank G-d!

It turns out that this meeting was called by the owner of the company to discuss how and why things got so bad. Apparently, very nice owner-lady has been extremely ill. She left the company in the care of S’s supervisor while she sought treatment. Well, said supervisor essentially destroyed the company. They are working to rebuild and she apologized to S for making her worry all weekend. Looks like the supervisor may be the one without a job soon.

S would still like to move to full-time with #2. But now she can take her time, do it on her terms, when she is ready.

All is not lost. I am so relieved and grateful.

Mostly Bad News Thursday, Sep 11 2008 

Okay, so that didn’t go too well.

In a nutshell; S had DOR-diminished ovarian reserve. She is not in POF-premature ovarian failure, which is good. We will never get great numbers of follies from her, not even using IVF, which is bad.

Her lining was 4.5, very very very bad and one of the three follies had grown after 5days of Follistim very very very very bad.

Dr. M was incredibly nice, sympathetic and patient. He believes S needs a break, either entirely or just from stimulated cycles. (Anyone need Follistim?) He thinks her stress level is out of control and, while not the reason she isn’t getting pregnant, is a big factor in why her cycles are getting so short and screwy. He suggested switching to me or just doing timed insemination’s if this cycle doesn’t work. He says she is just programmed this way. My eyes filled up and voice cracked, can’t you reprogram her? He looked genuinely sorry that he couldn’t. He even gifted us our hcg today.

We have doubled the Estrace and will trigger Saturday night if S doesn’t get a+OPK before then. He thinks the one good follie is worth trying with.

S is pretty upset. She feels broken and angry. It is true that Dr. M should have found all of this before cycle 7 but we can hardly go back in time. I was pretty upset at first too. But then I found myself relieved.

We hadn’t done anything wrong, missed any steps. Knowing we don’t need to stress about monitoring, shots and medication costs is kind of freeing. Not having expectations that can never be met is kind of nice too. We will just use OPK’s and have a single IUI until we decide to switch to me.

I am sad but relieved, scared but hopeful. I want so much for this to work for us but especially for S. I don’t want her to feel like she won’t ever get to carry and birth a biological child. It would break her heart and mine along with it.

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Nothing is the way it should be and I am the saddest I have ever been and the most lost I have ever felt.

I have my game face on for S though, she needs me.

We need a miracle this cycle. I want to see my wife smile again.

Here We Go Monday, Aug 25 2008 

CD1 is upon us, and a week early to boot. Oy.

S has decided to stay with Dr. M this cycle. It’s her body so her choice. It really does say something that the mere thought of walking into his office fills me with dread, yes?

I am trying very hard to start off this cycle with good thoughts and positivity, even a bit of trust in Dr. M. I am just kind of tired. I feel drained and worry creeps into everything I do. The finish line seems so far away. I know it does for S too. She is not looking forward to this again. I can’t really blame her. Last cycle was heartbreaking every step of the way.

I will gather my strength and courage, enough for the both of us, and do my best to get us there.

Here we go again. Cycle 7 lucky 7?

“…It’s not how many times you’ve been knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up. Courage is when you’ve lost your way but you found your strength anyway.” The Strange Familiar

IUI#4 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

S had agreed to the HSG and as we suspected, she was prefect. As a bonus it didn’t even really hurt her, just uncomfortable and freaky she reports.

We went ahead with another TI, hoping the HSG would be enough of a boost. We went back to our old donor using the last of our credit with that bank, but vowing to find a new one if we needed it. We also agreed to switch RE’s if this cycle failed.

We got a perfect +OPK on CD 12 and had our IUI scheduled with on call guy the next day. S was worried that he would be rough. He doesn’t look at all warm. We were pleasantly surprised. He was great. Kind, warm and confused by our failed cycles. He wouldn’t even defrost our sample until he checked her out. S had a perfect lining and a perfect follicle ready to go. We had much better post thaw numbers and everything went smoothly. He joked that he would show Dr.M a thing or two. Oh how we hoped so. Crinone in hand we went happily home so I could stuff S full of pineapple.

I had such high hopes for this cycle. I allowed myself to dream of our nursery, I saw the two pink lines, the doubling betas. I didn’t even let S mention the words negative or failure or next cycle. I was so sure this was it.

BFN.

This one sucked the worst of them all. I choked on grief all weekend long. We are baffled, utterly confused, heartbroken and miserable. S actually cried when AF arrived today. She feels like a failure and nothing I say helps. It hurts to see her hurting. It hurts to have empty arms and broken dreams.

Where do we go from here? Well, we don’t have time for the new RE since we are already on CD1. We have decided to change banks and therefore donors.

Our Re was genuinely sorry when he called today. He knows how much money we have spent and how upset we are. I know he knows that two of those cycles failed because his office screwed up. I am pretty sure he knows I want to wring his neck.

He agreed that the new bank is better and a donor switch is a great plan. He finally, finally, agreed to injectables plus a trigger and better monitoring. He values his neck I suppose.

CD 3 ultrasound to determine stims start is on Wednesday. We managed to come up with the huge chunk of money, we don’t really have, to spend on new fish that must fly across the country. We just need to pray that it begins to rain Follistim sometime bewtween now and Wednesday. I haven’t a clue how we will swing this but I have faith, as always.

Our dream will come true.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” Shel Silverstein

Up next, IUI# 5, Follistim, trigger, aspirin, progesterone, new donor

IUI#3 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

Our RE doesn’t believe in Femara. I was rather surprised since I know so many people who have used it. This did nothing to boost our confidence in him but agreed to try the Tamoxifen he offered us instead.

Our RE was OOT on CD 3 and on call guy wouldn’t call in the RX. What is wrong with this man??? We finally got started on CD 5. S only had a few hot flashes at night but otherwise S tolerated it well.

Our scan showed two great follies, one on each side. Her lining was better than last time but we knew it could be better so back on the Estrace she went. I still had concerns about her treatment but didn’t want to make waves. I should have. Always make waves if you are worried. We weren’t there to make friends and have tea. We were there to get help conceiving a baby and he was failing miserably.

“Have you started using your OPK’s yet?’

“No, your nurse said to wait for today’s scan.”

“Okay, I doubt you will get a + for a few days but go ahead and start today.”

Three hours later we get a +OPK. Even S had lost her patience with him. She called and had him paged. He was surprised? Hello? You were just in there, vag cam and all… why are you surprised? Monday insem, it was late Saturday…… are you sure? Yes, trust me. I snorted.

Because of the timing we ran to pick up the fish right before the insem. No lab, no counting, the nurse would thaw the sample right in the office. S decided to use the last OPK for fun, we like the smiley face, it’s hopeful. It was also negative. I promise you I almost lost it right there. Poor S was in tears and angry as hell. Can you blame her?

We marched into that office ready for battle. My mind was racing with insults, demands, threats. We refused to hand over the sample until they did an ultrasound.  We were not wasting $500, again. She had ovulated on both sides. S cried right there on the table. The nurse look horrified and RE looked scared, he didn’t dare look at me.

After much discussion it was decided that we should try anyway. S had O’d less than 24 hours agao so the eggs were viable. We were not at all hopeful and rightly so.

BFN.

There were no tears, just anger and disappointment.

Next up, at home insemination!

IUI #1 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

We began TTC in February 2008.

We chose a great anonymous donor via sperm bank and had agreed that S would go first since she had  great cycles and no known fertility issues. Our RE suggested a TI cycle with baby aspirin and progesterone supps.

We started checking OPK’s around CD10 and waited for the happy face, we waited and waited and waited. I guess S was more nervous about our first attempt than she let on. We didn’t get that happy face until CD21. Oy.

I rushed to call in our +OPK and the on call doc said to come in Monday. It was early Saturday, I was instantly alarmed. I explained that she has a short surge, it was a late O etc… he insisted it would be fine. I wasn’t convinced but I could hardly force the man to inseminate my wife, but boy how I tried. I worried all weekend but tried to stay calm for S. 

We arrived at the lab excited and nervous to pick up our freshly thawed fish. As we paced I overheard ( that means i leaned over so far I almost fell ) them telling our RE that the post thaw numbers weren’t what they should be. I started to panic. They reassured us that there was enough to get the job done but we should get a credit. A credit? We didn’t want a credit, we wanted a baby. Breathe in, breathe out.

Up on the table my poor S went. She was so nervous. I grabbed extra pink sheety things to make sure she was as covered as possible. Ultrasound before insem…… she had already ovulated. I was so upset and he could tell. He was still convinced we were okay and that S had ovulated only hours ago.

Our first TWW was hell. She was a totally different person, weird cravings, swollen breasts, odd dreams, nice high temps though. I was convinced it had worked. Beginners luck, right???

WRONG. BFN.

We were devastated and I was furious that my concerns had been dismissed. We were semi apologized too for the shitty timing and got a credit for the bad sample. 

Next up, Clomid! 

Next Page »