The Fish Have Landed Thursday, Sep 4 2008 

Our newest donor’s fish have landed safely at our lab. Sadly we had to change again after our last one became inactive rather suddenly. How rude!

I admit this wasn’t my top pick but after listening to the audio and checking into his heritage more I feel better about the choice. He is intelligent and  seems like a nice enough guy. He has the right background and passed all tests with flying colors. I guess that is all we can ask for. My wife reminded me that, after I said he sounded a bit reserved, any child raised by me would have plenty of personality and spunk. Aww, so sweet.

Now we wait for the all important +OPK. If we don’t have one by Friday we will go for an U/S and possible trigger. S, once again, managed to avoid a single side effect of Clomid. We have been doing all kinds of home remedies to reduce the chances of a thin lining coupled with Estrace.

I am hoping for very good things this time around.

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Today is the Big Day Thursday, Jul 17 2008 

IUI #5, here we come!

I managed to do the trigger shot and I have tracked the fish countless times. We should be right on track for our late afternoon appt. I am trying so hard to be positive and hopeful. Nothing can go wrong today, it just can’t. I am praying with all my heart that he didn’t miss ovulation, again and that this this is our lucky cycle.

Thank you all so much for your kindness, wonderful advice, prayers and well-wishes. Each one has made this excruciating cycle a little bit easier to stomach.

“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.” Barbara De Angelis

This is a Nightmare Wednesday, Jul 16 2008 

I have finally managed to stop crying. If that doesn’t tell you how well our appt went today I don’t know what will.

Remember how Dr. M said he was trying to get us 4-8 follies and then changed to 4-6? Remember how we had 4 lovely follies gearing up for greatness on Saturday? Remember how he REFUSED to increase the meds? I sure do.

Today S’s lining was great, a promising start. He even seemed to be agreeable to b2b IUI’s. But then, it got kind of quiet. I started looking closer at the screen. We had lost a follie on the right. He was stammering and stuttering bs about it not being a “good egg” and how it was good that we lost it. I had had it. No, it is not good, we just spent thosuands of dollars to get what thirty dollars got us 5 months ago! He was taken aback but tried to cover by commenting on how the Clomid thinned her lining. Yeah, because you gave her Estrace too late to save it. He really didn’t have much to say, shocker.

He announced we will trigger tomorrow with and IUI on Thursday. Um, small problem asshole. You told us to have the sperm to you by Friday/Saturday, it won’t even arrive until noon on Thursday. At this point S and I were just staring at each other in total despair. He though he would be helpful and mention that he didn’t think she would ovulate early so Friday would be fine too. Yeah, you didn’t think that the last few times either.

He tried to make things better by spouting off facts and figures about better egg quality on injectables and if we got pregnant it would all be worth it. I yelled that is was a pretty big if! He tried so hard to talk me down but I refused to be soothed…. nothing he said mattered to me.

I finally asked if all the follies would be at least 16 before trigger. I told him we refused to trigger with anything less. He said one would be 20 and one at least 16. Umm…what about the third one? Well, it probably won’t be mature by trigger so really, we have two follies. At that point I burst into tears. I was so angry I thought I might actually slap him. S was crying, trying to calm me down while covering herself up. He finally said to get dressed and he would write down the schdule for the next few days.

The minute he left I started retching. I actually fell to my knees sobbing. I couldn’t belive we had spent all this money, energy and subjected S to nightly needles for two fucking follies. We both cried, me still on the floor, as she dressed and then cried all the way into an office so someone could show me how to stab my wife with that huge needle tomorrow night. Guess who? The 8 months pregnant nurse, that’s who. I cried even harder. I could hardly see what she was doing. It hurt so bad, still does.

As we set the appt for our IUI he came up and patted me on the shoulder and told me not to stress out about this. I glared at him while S had tears running down her face. He turned and said, if you mange to get the sperm here on Thursday, I’ll go ahead and accommodate you any way I can. I mumbled fuck you.

We are devastated beyond belief. I have to manage the trigger shot, I am so scared of doing that to her, pray that the sperm arrives on time, pray that she doesn’t ovulate early and that by some small miracle, this works.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t fathom going on after this mess. He has really ruined us; financially, spiritually and emotionally. I don’t think we will ever hold our baby. The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a Mommy.

What the hell do we do now?

“The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die.” Edward Kennedy

IUI #5, Cycle #6 is on! Thursday, Jul 10 2008 

S and saw our very favorite RE today, haha. He was actually very nice, concerned and patient this time. He knows we are concerned. The ultrasound wasn’t nearly as gross as S  thought it would be so that helped. Her lining was great but we were a bit surprised to find a small cyst on her right ovary. We haven’t done a medicated  cycle in two months so everyone was a bit confused. We were both concerned about her producing properly on that side but were assured it was safe to begin.

He gave us our odds of multiples, 25%-30% twins, less than 10% triplets. Whatever, as long as we don’t need our own TLC show, we are fine with multiples.  I told him very clearly that failure was not an option this cycle. When he began his little “there is always next month speech” I cut him right off. No next month. This is it. He managed a smile and said I was putting a  lot of pressure on him, making him nervous. I smiled as prettily as possible and told him that was the plan and that I would have my eye on him. He probably thinks I am insane. I am really fine with that 🙂

We went to our friendly neighborhood IF pharmacy to pick up our Follistim, HcG trigger and Prometrium. We made it a point to look away when we were rung up. I haven’t a clue how much all of that cost and I would like to keep it that way.

We rushed home to refrigerate our goods. I have to say, you hear Follistim pen, trigger and pills. You think, okay, a few things are in that bag. Um, no. A whole lot of things are in that bag. Take a gander at what one little Follistim cycle will get you in your magic bag. I know it’s not as much as an IVf cycle but….we were a bit surprised.

Holy Crap!

Holy Crap!

 S got a bit teary when she saw it all. She looked positively scared when she spotted the needle for her IM trigger. She feels so much pressure but it all comes from her. In all honesty, she has been utter perfection all along, it’s the bad samples and the RE’s timing that have been our issues. We have solved all of that this cycle. New sperm bank/donor, scared of me RE. Problems solved!

We read the directions a million times so as not not to jeapordize the goldmine of meds we were dealing with. She was so nervous about the injection but after a bit of hesitation did it perfectly. (For those wondering S reports she felt a tiny stick and a bit of burning after. Rare to feel burning I hear, she is just sensitive we think) I was so proud of her. I think she was proud of herself too and that makes me incredibly happy.

We have a scan on Saturday to see what she has cooking in there and to see if our dosage needs to be increased.

I am praying everything is just perfect and that somehow we can mange another vial of the new fish. I am thinking we should try for back to back IUI’s this time. Call me crazy or paranoid, but given our clinic’s history of crappy timing… I think we should cover all the bases.

I am full of hope again, which is good, but oh so very nervous too. We have so much riding on this cycle.  Please, please, let this be the one.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers– That perches in the soul–

And sings the tune without the words– And never stops–at all

 Emily Dickenson

IUI#4 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

S had agreed to the HSG and as we suspected, she was prefect. As a bonus it didn’t even really hurt her, just uncomfortable and freaky she reports.

We went ahead with another TI, hoping the HSG would be enough of a boost. We went back to our old donor using the last of our credit with that bank, but vowing to find a new one if we needed it. We also agreed to switch RE’s if this cycle failed.

We got a perfect +OPK on CD 12 and had our IUI scheduled with on call guy the next day. S was worried that he would be rough. He doesn’t look at all warm. We were pleasantly surprised. He was great. Kind, warm and confused by our failed cycles. He wouldn’t even defrost our sample until he checked her out. S had a perfect lining and a perfect follicle ready to go. We had much better post thaw numbers and everything went smoothly. He joked that he would show Dr.M a thing or two. Oh how we hoped so. Crinone in hand we went happily home so I could stuff S full of pineapple.

I had such high hopes for this cycle. I allowed myself to dream of our nursery, I saw the two pink lines, the doubling betas. I didn’t even let S mention the words negative or failure or next cycle. I was so sure this was it.

BFN.

This one sucked the worst of them all. I choked on grief all weekend long. We are baffled, utterly confused, heartbroken and miserable. S actually cried when AF arrived today. She feels like a failure and nothing I say helps. It hurts to see her hurting. It hurts to have empty arms and broken dreams.

Where do we go from here? Well, we don’t have time for the new RE since we are already on CD1. We have decided to change banks and therefore donors.

Our Re was genuinely sorry when he called today. He knows how much money we have spent and how upset we are. I know he knows that two of those cycles failed because his office screwed up. I am pretty sure he knows I want to wring his neck.

He agreed that the new bank is better and a donor switch is a great plan. He finally, finally, agreed to injectables plus a trigger and better monitoring. He values his neck I suppose.

CD 3 ultrasound to determine stims start is on Wednesday. We managed to come up with the huge chunk of money, we don’t really have, to spend on new fish that must fly across the country. We just need to pray that it begins to rain Follistim sometime bewtween now and Wednesday. I haven’t a clue how we will swing this but I have faith, as always.

Our dream will come true.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” Shel Silverstein

Up next, IUI# 5, Follistim, trigger, aspirin, progesterone, new donor