So Upset Friday, Mar 6 2009 

I am in a bad place right now. My patience is shot , my nerves are fried and I’m just plain old upset.

From what we have heard we should have had a call by now, even if we didn’t accept the placement, the phone should have rung at least once. I am tired, so tired of doing everything right and having nothing to show for it.

Our one year TTC anniversary has come and gone and it hurts like hell. We jumped into this with everything we had and still, nothing. We were so sure this was our answer, the right path and now it just feels like it was a distraction, a very expensive distraction.

Today is S’s birthday. We joked about how great it would be to tell people she got a baby for her birthday. What a gift! And now I want to take the crib apart, pry the carseat out of the car and give away anything baby related. I can’t look at it. It just hurts way too much.

Adding to my frustration, members of our class told us their  SW hinted that  a placement was on the way. They aren’t even licensed yet! These people are big AW’s who like to flaunt their money and try to make this process a competition. If  their bank account brings them a child first I will lose my freaking mind.

And a final bit of upset, my family. I told a few of them via email and didn’t get much in return. One took 4 days to respond with a very insincere sounding, keep me posted. I should know not to expect anything from them but I always hope, just a little bit. How can they not ask about the nursery, the process, our age range? Not one of them has asked if we need anything, not one! Internet friends have asked but not my own flesh and blood.

I am just so sad. I am terrified we will never have a family, biological or otherwise. What if this whole thing was a waste of time? What if the universe really is trying to tell us something?

What then?

I can’t type through the tears anymore tonight.

Always With The Waiting Monday, Mar 2 2009 

Waiting for our phone to ring is  a lot like a two week wait, only with no end in sight.

Once we graduated and became placement ready we were flying high. Excitement bubbled through our conversations and I could feel the anticipation humming through my veins. When I laid down I could hear the blood pumping in my ears and my fingertips tingled. I had that butterfly feeling in my stomach and my toes curled with expectation. I was so sure the phone would ring any second. And now, now that the phone is eerily silent, not even a wrong number today, I feel the same defeat that a stark white test used to bring.

I know the phone will ring, eventually. I know we didn’t do this for nothing. I know it’s only been a few days. It’s just harder now. Last year we were living in two week chunks of hope and despair and before we started this, time stretched out for an eternity because we had no idea when we would be able to start trying again.

And now the ante is upped. We chose this path and it was so hard. It still hurts. We raced through the process, the only ones to be placement ready in our whole class. Every room has something baby related in it. Crib, swing, bouncer, tiny clothes, diapers, car seat. The ever growing collection of organic baby food mocks me from atop the fridge. Seriously. I may hide it.

I am trying to be patient, trying not to be emotional. I am just so tired of waiting. I am so tired of it NOT being our turn. How much longer do we have to wait and hope? How many more freaking hoops do we need to jump through? Haven’t we proven ourselves enough yet? We have done everything they asked of us and more. It’s time. It’s our time, isn’t it?

The path to parenthood, in any form for us it seems, is steep and rocky and covered in obstacles. But still S and I climb it willingly. We just know it will all be worth it, one day.

Still Excited! Thursday, Jan 8 2009 

First, thank you, thank you, thank you for your wonderful, kind and supportive comments. You made my day!

For those of you that asked questions, here is the scoop. We are just fostering, not adopting.  We can change our minds though. We are required to complete 24 hours of training, we have already done 3.  While training we can get everything else done; fingerprints, health screening, home visit etc. We will likely take children under the age of 5, though S can’t seem to make up her mind. We will see.

For fun, and to soothe S’s fears, I hopped onto the site and did a little faux shopping. I added to my cart everything I thought we would need to get the room ready for our home visit. I “bought” basic, but attractive, safe and well-reviewed items. Everything from crib to travel system to bottles and first aid. I threw in some basic baby toys, bedding, rails for a toddler bed even a nifty gadget that tests the temp of the bathwater. I added neutral colored onesies and sleep sacks, eco-friendlier diapers and wipes, a bathtub, organic washcloths, even a highchair. It took forever but when I was done my total was only around $1600. Not bad. I was pleasantly surprised. S wouldn’t admit it, but I think she was too. I think she just worries that we need all of this stuff ASAP. As soon as we have it we can do our home visit!

We are still TTC. My appointment is still on with the super, new , uber fancy, famous Dr. B on Monday. I am still terrified and honestly haven’t a clue how we will afford to set up a nursery and pay oop for meds and treatment. I, however, believe in miracles and fully expect one to show up sometime soon. Now would be good.

I refuse to give up the dream. I know I will find a way to make this work.

Failure is not an option.