Confession Wednesday, Aug 20 2008 

I have been MIA because of guilt. I am the queen of worry and feeling guilty, if it were an Olympic sport I would be Phelps.

Why such guilt you ask? Well, we are on a  forced break this month. I expected to be really angry at a wasted month. Instead, I am loving the break. It is so nice not having shots, pills, ultrasounds and the ugly worry that comes during the TWW. I relish our free time, uncluttered medicine cabinet and the lightness that comes without worry and heartache.

 I feel awful, like somehow a month without torture equals not really committing to this child. How dumb is that? I know it’s dumb. I know it’s okay to take a moment to breathe. Still, I can’t shake the guilt. UGH.

The break will be over soon enough. I should take comfort that very soon I will be back on the psychotic merry-go-round that is TTC 🙂

I am already taking deep breaths and preparing for what I know will be a tough cycle. S has lost all faith in everything. I know she dreads the shots and vag cam appointments. I know she dreads another chemical pregnancy. I know that being pregnant or holding our baby seems impossible to her.

I still have faith though. It’s been shaken, dented and dinged, but it’s still there. I close my eyes and see our dream coming true. No matter what we have to go through to make it happen, we will find a way, we always do.

That is what faith is all about.

Advertisements

Such a Good Girl Friday, Jul 25 2008 

I must take a moment to AW my very good behavior, so far. I am usually very preachy, Pollyanna, everything is a sign. While a little positivity is good in the TWW, I think mine was becoming saccharin, rather desperate. I imagine if I heard it on a recording I would sound tinny, shrill and full of panic. Not this time.

I have prepped the pineapple without much comment, poured the POM Juice without lecture and laid out the socks with minimal anecdotes. I murmured sympathetically at S’s painful breasts and said nary a word about it being a “good sign” when she whimpered in pain in the shower. I rubbed her aching back, removed the towel that she swore “smelled weird”, though freshly laundered, all without insisting that “this is it”. In a feat of Herculean strength I said a simple I am sorry honey, how uncomfortable, when she couldn’t zip her pants this morning. When she finally realized I wasn’t proclaiming a victory and questioned her symptoms, I simply said, Prometrium will do that to you.

I am trying so hard to avoid putting any pressure on her. I am trying so very hard to stay sane and normal. I am breathing in and out and not allowing myself to spiral into the TWW insanity. Deep down though, I know there is a huge ball of fear just waiting for the right time to appear. Calm on the outside, but aching on the inside.

We are Mothers without children and it hurts.

14 Days Sunday, Jul 20 2008 

The 14 days, give or take, you have to wait to see if your dream has come true are some of the strangest I have ever spent. The first cycle was crazy, talk about symptoms, every twitch, tingle and itch was surely a sign. As the cycles have gone on we have become a bit more mellow, especially in the first week. We try not to read into everything but every now and then, the universe or your uterus, throws you a little something to fixate on. I am going to do my very best not to do that this time. Neither of us needs the extra stress or craziness. I am going to behave myself and wait patiently.

Who here believes me?

How do you stay sane in the TWW?