Some Good News Sunday, Sep 14 2008 

I bet you thought you were lost for a minute!

Yes, this is the right blog, just with actual good news for a change.

Our last visit revealed a crappy lining and only one follie responding to a combination of Clomid and Follistim. We were instructed to wait for a +OPK and trigger if we didn’t get that by Saturday.

S started to surge on her own yesterday so no trigger shot was needed, first bit of good news. Then, Dr. M squeezed us in today for the IUI because he was worried her surge would be short again. I didn’t even have to ask or argue. More good news.

Then, the ultrasound revealed a much improved lining, not perfect but much much better. Dr. M told us to keep S on the Estrace, no arguing or questioning again. Whoo hoo!

We saw the one perfect follie ready to burst at 22, up from 15.5 the other day. But then we got the best surprise of all. Somehow, that little pitiful 9-10mm follie had blossomed into a 22!!! Bonus follie, YAY! Even more amazing, the third sad follie had increased to a 16! Dr. M felt there was such a good chance of it being mature by tomorrow that he offered to do another IUI for us on  Sunday. He is coming in just for us!

So, we will end up with at least two, possibly three follies and back to back IUI’s this time around. He is keeping her on Estrace and is adding a funky cocktail of progesterone’s two to three times a day to keep her LP nice and long.

He said he is rooting for us and doing all he can to make this a success. I believe him this time.

I know anything can happen but that little bit of unexpected news is good enough for right now. 

I think I will be able to sleep tonight, for the first time in a long time.

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I Hate Dr. M Monday, Jul 14 2008 

Do you remember when you were little and said that you hated someone? You were always admonished that you “didn’t hate” the person, you were just angry, upset etc. Well, I am all grown-up and there aren’t any teachers around and I need to get this out so…

I HATE YOU Dr. M! I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU! I think you are a pompous ass who cannot handle a woman questioning your methods. You do not have our best interests in mind and I wish we had never come to see you. I think you are a crappy RE with a shitty track record and belong back in school where you can learn what every other RE on Earth already knows and brush up on your people skills to boot. Screw you!

Okay, so, Saturdays appointment clearly did not go well. On CD 1 when we spoke to Dr. M he said he wanted to do 250IU of Follistim with a target of 4-8 follies at trigger. 8 may seem high but given that we had at least 3 on our Clomid cycle he really wanted to up our chances. We were both pleased that he was finally being aggressive. At the CD 3 U/S he said 150IU of Follistim and 4-6. He did agree that depending on the CD 6 U/S we could up the dose, the step-up protocol.

Saturday brought us 4 follies, 2 on each side with the larger ones on the left. We were a little disappointed, mainly because for thirty dollars worth of Clomid we had at least 3 so why spend thousands for only one more follie? We could have just upped the Clomid. Dr. M said that depending on her blood work results he would up her dose and try to get us to 6. We waited and waited.. no call. S callled him and left a really heartfelt message; this may be our last shot at this, we need every follie  we can get, we know the risk of HOM but given our track record don’t feel that is an issue. What were my numbers from today? Oh, we would like to do back to back IUI’s as well, just to cover all the bases.

His message: NO. Your numbers are perfect ( never mind that “perfect” is not a freaking answer) I will see if I feel a need for a second IUI later this week. Umm.. where was the explanation, the reassurance that she didn’t need more? Something other than no. Tell her something so she won’t worry. She was upset but more embarrassed I think. Rejected by the RE. What an ass. I was so angry I thought I might vomit.

After that we thought some retail therapy might perk us up. While S looked for tops I found myself face to face with the baby section. I hadn’t planned on walking that way, it just happened. I wandered amongst the rounders and racks. I touched the softest blankets and smiled at the adorable outfits and wrinkled my nose at the seriously heinous ones. I was doing okay until I found myself face to face with the most adorable thing I have ever seen. I usually don’t go for the whole little girls in pink but… oh my. It was the tiniest Ralph Lauren Polo dress, complete with tennis pleats and a plaid collar. All ready for the country club. I started to tear up, I willed myself to let go of it but I couldn’t. S found me there a few mins later. She hates pink but was moved by this little dress all the same. We both stood there, each holding a pleat , eyes shimmering, and hoping with all our hearts for our dream to come true. My dear friend is expecting a baby girl in a few months. We bought the dress for her.

For those wondering how the Follistim is going, I would say pretty well. The shots do not hurt, S says. She has been tired and had some headaches but nothing much else. She usually bruises easily but only has one small mark so far. She is an amazing woman and so much stronger than she knows. I love her so much.

Our next follie check is on Tuesday. I am praying that two more magically appear by then. I am praying for patience, calm and grace when face to face with Dr. M.

“Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there’s a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living.” Anonymous

IUI #5, Cycle #6 is on! Thursday, Jul 10 2008 

S and saw our very favorite RE today, haha. He was actually very nice, concerned and patient this time. He knows we are concerned. The ultrasound wasn’t nearly as gross as S  thought it would be so that helped. Her lining was great but we were a bit surprised to find a small cyst on her right ovary. We haven’t done a medicated  cycle in two months so everyone was a bit confused. We were both concerned about her producing properly on that side but were assured it was safe to begin.

He gave us our odds of multiples, 25%-30% twins, less than 10% triplets. Whatever, as long as we don’t need our own TLC show, we are fine with multiples.  I told him very clearly that failure was not an option this cycle. When he began his little “there is always next month speech” I cut him right off. No next month. This is it. He managed a smile and said I was putting a  lot of pressure on him, making him nervous. I smiled as prettily as possible and told him that was the plan and that I would have my eye on him. He probably thinks I am insane. I am really fine with that 🙂

We went to our friendly neighborhood IF pharmacy to pick up our Follistim, HcG trigger and Prometrium. We made it a point to look away when we were rung up. I haven’t a clue how much all of that cost and I would like to keep it that way.

We rushed home to refrigerate our goods. I have to say, you hear Follistim pen, trigger and pills. You think, okay, a few things are in that bag. Um, no. A whole lot of things are in that bag. Take a gander at what one little Follistim cycle will get you in your magic bag. I know it’s not as much as an IVf cycle but….we were a bit surprised.

Holy Crap!

Holy Crap!

 S got a bit teary when she saw it all. She looked positively scared when she spotted the needle for her IM trigger. She feels so much pressure but it all comes from her. In all honesty, she has been utter perfection all along, it’s the bad samples and the RE’s timing that have been our issues. We have solved all of that this cycle. New sperm bank/donor, scared of me RE. Problems solved!

We read the directions a million times so as not not to jeapordize the goldmine of meds we were dealing with. She was so nervous about the injection but after a bit of hesitation did it perfectly. (For those wondering S reports she felt a tiny stick and a bit of burning after. Rare to feel burning I hear, she is just sensitive we think) I was so proud of her. I think she was proud of herself too and that makes me incredibly happy.

We have a scan on Saturday to see what she has cooking in there and to see if our dosage needs to be increased.

I am praying everything is just perfect and that somehow we can mange another vial of the new fish. I am thinking we should try for back to back IUI’s this time. Call me crazy or paranoid, but given our clinic’s history of crappy timing… I think we should cover all the bases.

I am full of hope again, which is good, but oh so very nervous too. We have so much riding on this cycle.  Please, please, let this be the one.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers– That perches in the soul–

And sings the tune without the words– And never stops–at all

 Emily Dickenson