IUI#4 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

S had agreed to the HSG and as we suspected, she was prefect. As a bonus it didn’t even really hurt her, just uncomfortable and freaky she reports.

We went ahead with another TI, hoping the HSG would be enough of a boost. We went back to our old donor using the last of our credit with that bank, but vowing to find a new one if we needed it. We also agreed to switch RE’s if this cycle failed.

We got a perfect +OPK on CD 12 and had our IUI scheduled with on call guy the next day. S was worried that he would be rough. He doesn’t look at all warm. We were pleasantly surprised. He was great. Kind, warm and confused by our failed cycles. He wouldn’t even defrost our sample until he checked her out. S had a perfect lining and a perfect follicle ready to go. We had much better post thaw numbers and everything went smoothly. He joked that he would show Dr.M a thing or two. Oh how we hoped so. Crinone in hand we went happily home so I could stuff S full of pineapple.

I had such high hopes for this cycle. I allowed myself to dream of our nursery, I saw the two pink lines, the doubling betas. I didn’t even let S mention the words negative or failure or next cycle. I was so sure this was it.

BFN.

This one sucked the worst of them all. I choked on grief all weekend long. We are baffled, utterly confused, heartbroken and miserable. S actually cried when AF arrived today. She feels like a failure and nothing I say helps. It hurts to see her hurting. It hurts to have empty arms and broken dreams.

Where do we go from here? Well, we don’t have time for the new RE since we are already on CD1. We have decided to change banks and therefore donors.

Our Re was genuinely sorry when he called today. He knows how much money we have spent and how upset we are. I know he knows that two of those cycles failed because his office screwed up. I am pretty sure he knows I want to wring his neck.

He agreed that the new bank is better and a donor switch is a great plan. He finally, finally, agreed to injectables plus a trigger and better monitoring. He values his neck I suppose.

CD 3 ultrasound to determine stims start is on Wednesday. We managed to come up with the huge chunk of money, we don’t really have, to spend on new fish that must fly across the country. We just need to pray that it begins to rain Follistim sometime bewtween now and Wednesday. I haven’t a clue how we will swing this but I have faith, as always.

Our dream will come true.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” Shel Silverstein

Up next, IUI# 5, Follistim, trigger, aspirin, progesterone, new donor

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IVI#1 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

After the last failed cycle our RE suggested an HSG. We all knew he was reaching but figured it couldn’t hurt. S was so worn out and angry and feeling so bad about herself. I told her we could stop, that I could try, whatever she wanted went. So much of our frustration came from the fact that 2of 3 cycles were mismanaged. It added insult to injury.

What S wanted was nothing to to with dear old RE for a bit. She wanted to try at home, low-key, mellow. She fantasized about telling him that her wife could geT her pregnant but he couldn’t.

We ordered up new fish froma new donor and waited for the smiley face. When it arrived we were thrilled but I was nervous as hell. I had timers, water baths and two different thermometers. I had a pillow stack of epic proportions prepared and gloves at the ready.

Up billowed the smoke, out came the cane and into the water bath the vial went. I worried about the temp drop but figured at least I wasn’t frying them. I gently mixed the vial and flipped the top. I drew the contents into the syringe and promptly freaked out. I mean totally freaked out. I was scared to death.

I am not sure what happened in that moment but I had a total meltdown. It’s embarassing but true. I was worried I had ruined the sample, that I wouldn’t do it right, that I would hurt her. I stood in our bathroom syringe full of gross slime and started to cry. My fantastic S climbed down from her pillow mountain to try to snap me out of it. By then I was hyperventilating, sobbing and saying I was going to throw away the fish, I was sure I had ruined them. I was really unhinged . She had to blow on my face to get me to take a breath.

I will never know what happened that night, why I reacted the way I did. I wish I understood. I finally calmed down enough to do the insem. We laughed that this cycle would surely work since it was such a comedy of errors.

BFN.

I blamed myself, still do.

Next up, IUI#4!

IUI#3 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

Our RE doesn’t believe in Femara. I was rather surprised since I know so many people who have used it. This did nothing to boost our confidence in him but agreed to try the Tamoxifen he offered us instead.

Our RE was OOT on CD 3 and on call guy wouldn’t call in the RX. What is wrong with this man??? We finally got started on CD 5. S only had a few hot flashes at night but otherwise S tolerated it well.

Our scan showed two great follies, one on each side. Her lining was better than last time but we knew it could be better so back on the Estrace she went. I still had concerns about her treatment but didn’t want to make waves. I should have. Always make waves if you are worried. We weren’t there to make friends and have tea. We were there to get help conceiving a baby and he was failing miserably.

“Have you started using your OPK’s yet?’

“No, your nurse said to wait for today’s scan.”

“Okay, I doubt you will get a + for a few days but go ahead and start today.”

Three hours later we get a +OPK. Even S had lost her patience with him. She called and had him paged. He was surprised? Hello? You were just in there, vag cam and all… why are you surprised? Monday insem, it was late Saturday…… are you sure? Yes, trust me. I snorted.

Because of the timing we ran to pick up the fish right before the insem. No lab, no counting, the nurse would thaw the sample right in the office. S decided to use the last OPK for fun, we like the smiley face, it’s hopeful. It was also negative. I promise you I almost lost it right there. Poor S was in tears and angry as hell. Can you blame her?

We marched into that office ready for battle. My mind was racing with insults, demands, threats. We refused to hand over the sample until they did an ultrasound.  We were not wasting $500, again. She had ovulated on both sides. S cried right there on the table. The nurse look horrified and RE looked scared, he didn’t dare look at me.

After much discussion it was decided that we should try anyway. S had O’d less than 24 hours agao so the eggs were viable. We were not at all hopeful and rightly so.

BFN.

There were no tears, just anger and disappointment.

Next up, at home insemination!

IUI#2 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

After the disastrous first cycle S was given Clomid. 

I was concerned about it thinning her lining but was reassured that Estrace could fix that if need be. Frankly, I don’t like to break things just to have a reason to fix them but our RE was certain she wouldn’t have any issues. SIGH. Nobody listens to me!

S handled Clomid like a champ. Not one single side effect, not a one. She had 2-3 gorgeous follies and… wait for it.. a thin lining. Estrace was started but not before I threw a nasty look to our dear RE. He knew we were less than thrilled so he tried to win us back over with the promise of a  trigger shot so we wouldn’t miss O this time. Hey, thanks, that’s really big of you.

To the lab we went again. Still not great post thaw numbers. WTF??? I was sure it was the lab’s fault but they claim it was the banks bad samples. This one was better than the last and we had  at least one more follicle so I was hopeful.

This TWW was more tolerable. S put up with the pineapple, visualization techniques, POM juice and rather enjoyed my waiting on her hand and foot. We were issued another credit for the fish and optimistically said we wouldn’t need it until I tried.

BFN.

This one hurt worst than the last one. S said she was a failure. That hurt me the most.

Next up, Tamoxifen!

IUI #1 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

We began TTC in February 2008.

We chose a great anonymous donor via sperm bank and had agreed that S would go first since she had  great cycles and no known fertility issues. Our RE suggested a TI cycle with baby aspirin and progesterone supps.

We started checking OPK’s around CD10 and waited for the happy face, we waited and waited and waited. I guess S was more nervous about our first attempt than she let on. We didn’t get that happy face until CD21. Oy.

I rushed to call in our +OPK and the on call doc said to come in Monday. It was early Saturday, I was instantly alarmed. I explained that she has a short surge, it was a late O etc… he insisted it would be fine. I wasn’t convinced but I could hardly force the man to inseminate my wife, but boy how I tried. I worried all weekend but tried to stay calm for S. 

We arrived at the lab excited and nervous to pick up our freshly thawed fish. As we paced I overheard ( that means i leaned over so far I almost fell ) them telling our RE that the post thaw numbers weren’t what they should be. I started to panic. They reassured us that there was enough to get the job done but we should get a credit. A credit? We didn’t want a credit, we wanted a baby. Breathe in, breathe out.

Up on the table my poor S went. She was so nervous. I grabbed extra pink sheety things to make sure she was as covered as possible. Ultrasound before insem…… she had already ovulated. I was so upset and he could tell. He was still convinced we were okay and that S had ovulated only hours ago.

Our first TWW was hell. She was a totally different person, weird cravings, swollen breasts, odd dreams, nice high temps though. I was convinced it had worked. Beginners luck, right???

WRONG. BFN.

We were devastated and I was furious that my concerns had been dismissed. We were semi apologized too for the shitty timing and got a credit for the bad sample. 

Next up, Clomid! 

A Little About Us Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

Hi and thanks for stopping by. Since I am starting this blog somewhere in the middle of our TTC journey I thought I should fill you in on how we got here.

S and I met at work almost 5 years ago. I had stuffed my feelings regarding my sexuality down deep and was sure if I said long enough and loud enough that I just wanted a nice man to marry it would fix everything. Then I met S. There was no going back.  S was even more in the closet than I was, never even admitting that she might like women. I will spare you all the drama that followed but am happy to report that everything worked out just fine. There was confusion, heartache and family drama galore but S and I were married in a proper Jewish ceremony in August of 2007. As our first anniversary nears we are looking to have a civil ceremony now that it is legal in our home state. 

S and I have always wanted to be parents. In fact, I never wanted any kind of a career, much to my mom’s dismay. I just wanted to stay home and take care of the people I love. I love to bake and craft and keep house. Taking care of people is what I do best, well, that and worrying. S works with special needs children and once upon a time I was a preschool teacher. Clearly we wouldn’t be getting pregnant by accident so we set off to decide the best course of action to begin our journey to mommyhood.

I have PCOS and a clotting factor. I knew getting me pregnant and staying that way would require some work. S has perfect 28 day cycles. To the RE we went. We outlined a treatment options for me and for S.

It had always been the plan for me to go first, see how things went and if we weren’t successful after a bit switch to S. I kind of had my heart set on it but knew it would be a challenge. After a lot of tears and discussion we decided that smart idea was for S to begin since, and I am quoting our RE, “I have no concerns about you getting pregnant, S.” 

And with that our journey began…..

Hello world! Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

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